Alone

"The time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself."

I often get asked if I’m here alone. It’s an uncomfortable question for me. I don’t really know why, but I get kind-of defensive and usually just dodge the question altogether.

The longest stretch that I’ve been entirely alone was a month. That was last March. After three months on the mountain together, Curt needed to go to the coast. I’d have to describe that much solo time is interesting. At first it’s scary, lonesome, and quiet.

Now, I’m not only comfortable with it - I love it.

The first time was for a week in the summer. I watched Curt drive off in his throaty exhausted Tacoma. Sudden Silence. The whole world around me changed. It was something that I wanted to do - but I was terrified.

I knew that I could get to town if I had to. Either by walking or on my dirt bike. I didn’t have any of my trucks at the time, just the dirt bike and a mini-quad. Suddenly doing something like riding my dirt bike seemed like a risk. One good tumble and there’s no one there to help. I decided to avoid higher risk activities until I’m more confident doing them alone.

It felt confining. You’re unable to go to a coffee shop or to get groceries. There’s both nothing to do and everything to do. I like to get things done and accomplish things but I have to be careful. That first week I didn’t do much more than convince myself that chipmunks rustling around were bears.

Maybe it’s just me but - There’s a certain fear of messing up and looking stupid. Hurting yourself and hearing ‘you shouldn’t have been alone in the woods’. I’d say it’s that fear that I struggle with most now. Not loneliness, not bears or cougars, just messing up and being served a big ‘I told ya so’. Which is definitely something to overcome.

So here’s a story…

When Curt was on his way back that first time I decided to ride the mini quad down to meet him. There had been a wind storm that week so I strapped the chainsaw to the back rack in case if any trees had fallen across the road. I then strapped the shotgun to the front in case of bears.

I started up the mini quad and sent him a text.

“I’m on my way”

I pushed the throttle to get moving and instantly something was wrong. I hit the brake and could feel that THE THROTTLE WAS STUCK OPEN. It had never happened before. I was now careening out of control on a mini quad. How could this happen? How DARE the mini quad pull this kind of stunt on me?

I managed to hop off of the thing before it hit a bump, did a wheelie and flipped into a hole. I stood there in shock. ‘Did that just happen?’ I thought to myself as I pictured where I’d be if I hadn’t hopped off. I then righted the mini quad that was now leaking gas. I gave it an angry kick and went to get the dirt-bike.

That was a good lesson. Stupid stuff will always happen and it happens more when you’re alone. Just to mess with you. Just to keep you on your toes. I could have decided never to ride that thing again, but no. Instead once the throttle issue was fixed I rode it like I was mad at it (which I was) and carried on.

So there you go. Fear of looking stupid overcome by telling a stupid story!

I love being alone in the woods. Once you get past that lonesomeness you can really immerse yourself in nature in a new way. Notice little things and have your own time to really take them in. Take time on your projects with all of your focus. It’s a time of introspection and I’d recommend it to anyone. That confined feeling became a feeling of freedom.

Absolute Freedom.